Philosopher Hypatia could have envied Hypatia, perhaps because of hatred and perhaps because of misery. But let me, the one who witnessed Hypatia with Alexander, convey their legacy.
It was at night. Alexander was preparing for another conquest. In the capital, there were ongoing festivals. It was at that time he wanted to attend the celebrations with the foretold Hypatia. He was curious about the things he had heard. It was not the first time though.
At first, Hypatia was quite unusual. She was told to be a naive noble, but she was full of pride, a pride of having "no pride". Alexander was perplexed. The philosopher was quite paradoxical. This aspect made him curious about her.
However, Hypatia seemed to hesitate to know Alexander in an exciting way. Alexander was afraid of such a quick curiosity. He knew most beautiful things grew over time. But Hypatia loved butter-flies. Alexander was shocked; how could someone trust so easily and quickly? If he even trusted his allies on the battlefield, his head would be on a spike now. How could Hypatia have survived like this?
Alexander was starting some feelings toward Hypatia. He knew that "love" takes its time, like an orchid requiring time to blossom at its best. However, Hypatia was quite hesitant. Alexander, at that point, started having doubts. Did she care for him or just herself? She always said that she was "selfless". But what about the other? In this "selflessness", there was no loved one but the Void itself.
But the most conflicting thing he saw in the thoughtful philosopher was the belief that she was not worthy of love because she was clumsy, "idiot", guilty, unwanted and forsaken, while just because of those feelings, she demanded "love" and understanding. Alexander had untied Gordion's knot, but the Hypatia was impossible to untie. If he showed affection, she became clumsy and guilty, spreading the same guilt to Alexander. If he was a little bit serious, she sought love, which she thought was "unworthy" for her. AT no concurrent time could they love each other. Perhaps this is the reason why Alexander was one person in a two-person group.
Alexander, at this point in his life, has had enough of war. A time of tenderness was promised, and Alexander put his shield and sword away for Hypatia.
But a doubt started to crawl in. Hypatia was after a relationship with the ghost of Sparta, not Alexander. Alexander thought this could pass away with time, and the philosopher would love him, not her own pride of love, which was full of gluttony. He hoped. He hoped. He hoped... still hoping!?
But although Hypatia was full of compassion, it was not a choice but of something a necessity. Hypatia, unlike Alexander, didn't like wars and conflicts. She would love someone who would throat her in the next minute. She would love to be beaten both ways to only show how "merciful" she can be towards the wild aggressors. Perhaps it is this need for compulsive self-sacrifice that gives Hypatia a sense of meaning and superiority over others.
Alexander, at that point, had seen the Portrait of Hypatia. Anyway, he thought, according to Alexander, love was powerful enough to banish all shadows, the shadow of the Ashen, the shadow of "Love".
Alexander fought for the child against the shadow, the portrait of Hypatia. But his powers are limited without the help of the child. Only the sword of truth can kill the shadow and banish it back to the abyss. The frightened and cornered child feels the GUILT for not being Hypatia, but being a portrait of Hypatia.
This seemed to hold for some time for Alexander. Hypatia gave every signal a wife could give to his husband. But with the only exception of truth, courage, and self-confidence. Those were the core virtues of a warrior and a general like Alexander. Although Hypatia seemed to imitate everything about Alexander, she didn't imitate his courage, love, and truth. Alexander was feeling betrayed.
He had done many things he thought Hypatia would love, signalling his affection for her. Yet, Hypatia was too shy for love. She was dancing in the shadows. Alexander was there, though. Alexander was forced to put things forth not only for himself but for Hypatia as well. Due to her shrinking process, she couldn't say or want anything directly. All the wishes and desires were indirect. However, when they were not met, rather than thinking about why she hadn't asserted herself, she showed acts of tiredness and sleepiness.
Hypatia was saying, "Can't read my, can't read my. No, He can't read my poker face".
Alexander finally said, "F**k your face."
All of Alexander's comrades thought Hypatia was in love with Alexander. Everyone and anyone could have seen such a relationship more than mere companionship. Alexander wanted the truth and asked Hypatia. Hypatia said, "Two-faced". Alexander was enraged. He was betrayed. He wished farewell to Hypatia and left.
Hypatia had accused Alexander of being unclear about his expectations of her. That was right, but anyone with a sense of heart should know that the first and foremost expectation is letting go of the portrait of Hypatia and stepping in with confidence, SELF-confidence. Alexander just wanted to see some courage, not passivity and fear.
THE only awkwardness is fearing the consequences of giving yourself to the other and holding back. This is the most narcissistic act one can do to the other. True love is not selfish. You do not think about how you are seen, but you just do it without any hesitation.
Yet, Alexander knows a frightened child at the core of Hypatia's portrait. A child who was meant for a great purpose. Heaven, Hell and the Council of Prides all wanted to extinguish the great spirit. Seeing its potential, they set out to destroy it with the SIN, HERESY and FALSE PROMISES they blamed on it. The spirit had to go hiding to protect itself. The Hypatia was born, and the portrait was drawn. A phoenix abomination, neither dead nor living. One day, the child will set things right, and Alexander only wishes for a future with a one of justice.
Alexander was thinking in his quarters. What did he do wrong? He had done everything to Hypatia, including giving away his most precious spoils of war, his precious time that he could have easily spent elsewhere. Hypatia, didn't see those things. She may have thought Alexander was like him, giving everybody anything with compulsivity rather than an act of choice.
Hypatia valued peace and joy. Yet, she avoided short-term conflicts fearing to fuel and enrage long-term conflicts, which are the opposite of what she had wanted. Alexander does not like wars either. The resources spent are only worth it if the long-term peace and prosperity are reasonably probable. If Hypatia can break through the illusion of her angelic mask, she will see that her prime desire will only be met when she risks war and conflict. Even if that takes years, dangerous freedom is worth more than peaceful slavery.
Death is inevitable. There will be a time when Alexander or Hypatia will no longer be on this planet. They had limited time. Alexander knew it and lived like he would die in the next moment. He chose to spend his limited time with Hypatia, knowing that those times were irreversible and given to death. Hypatia, though, thought that she was gonna live forever because she was such a holy, lovely deity. A mortal loving a god! Alexander was happy to remember what happened to Orion.
Alexander loved Hypatia, but Hypatia loved herself. Her pride was invested in being in love and not fighting; thus, her only explanation of being was compromise and giving. Passivity, in her mind, was transformed into an image of royalty and Saintness. The inferiority became a superiority in her imagination. But according to her, she was right, and the world was wrong. The world had to change for Hypatia to become a utopia of zero conflict and WAR. She acted as if she was in this Utopian world, only to try to bury reality into the imaginary heaven deep inside her head, not her mind.
Saying I AM HERE WITH YOU is not selfishness, but the ultimate selflessness like, I LOVE YOU.
Alexander was thinking, what was Hypatia's primary sin? It was this f**king pride of not doing anything and wanting everything to come to her automatically; after all, doesn't she DESERVE everything after all the pain she had been through? After all the accusations against her precious body? No, no, no. She was trying to get rid of her body to ascend to the stars. She hated it. She saw it as a weight that had to be destroyed.
That f**king pride also gives her some exciting privileges, like something she wishes would come to life immediately, however impossible or inappropriate it may be. When those claims are not met, she protects her "prideless pride" by looking away, neglecting her own wish or her willingness to do so. If everything deviates from her wishes, she may even say she didn't want things to go well!
Hypatia was full of pride, gluttony and envy. Yet, those things were against such a deity's act. She, in her mind, banished all those and saw those as signs of "sincerity".
Hypatia, we are humans. Neither angels nor demons. We live, we love, we lie. And you have shown the narrator that only humans can love. The narrator had been knowing that demons could not love before, but seeing angels cannot love was a new serendipity.
Overthinking is not making philosophy. More than that, thinking about yourself all the time is anti-philosophic. It has nothing to do with seeing and letting the reality pass through. It is a "heresy" against philosophy and a subconscious "praise" of dogmas.
Just wanting something without hiding behind the skirts of pain, be it feeling guilty, inferior or incompetent. Pain is not a currency to be traded. Everything done won't be instantly perfect. Things take time to become their best and best-er versions. You become a better version yourself while you try, and you become a better partner while you try. Just going forward and learning from the experience are keys for success.
Alexander knew that on the battlefield, even the direction of the wind matters. It may be the seeds of destruction. But, in love, this is unlike WAR. Alexander saw many flaws of Hypatia, but those were human flaws. Alexander didn't turn a blind eye to them, and Alexander did not repress them. He embraced them, and this strengthened his love. Hypatia, however, was not able to accept herself as she was. This was why her name was Hypatia. She always hated her beautiful yet earthly body. As she rejected and hated herself, she thought others would also reject her for not being the goddess of kindness and tenderness. Thus, she always felt like wearing a mask. Thus, the mask became the mask itself. Alexander saw this and felt sorry for the blame she had put on herself. Atlas could have shrugged instantly under such tyranny of necessities. Nevertheless, Alexander loved her with or without a/the mask.
We do not know how Hypatia and Alexander will remain or dissolve into the abyss from which they had formed initially. But Hypatia should know that Alexander loved her unconditionally. Yet, perhaps Hypatia wasn't used to such affectionate emotions from her past, and she was surprised. For her, loving was moving towards pride. But for Alexander, it was the state of pure love toward another unique and sympathetic child of our ultimate paradise, Mother Nature.
Rejections are pretty common in this world, Alexander knows this, but because Hypatia was heavily invested in her pride of love, she avoided any reality she may have been rejected, forgetting that a true lover can and will forget and forgive even the coldest dagger aimed at his heart. But someone who doesn't love and cannot love cannot understand that. For them, not risking their own f***ing "saintY" pride is more important than risking the other person's rejection. It is the other way in real love where you give your pride, self and everything you have to only to make your significant other a little bit more happy.
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